If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
Isn't it scary that the person who invests all your money is called a "broker"?
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother or sister.
CHRISTMAS IS CANCELLED! Apparently, YOU told Santa that you have been GOOD this year, and he died laughing.
Forget the health foods. I need all the preservatives I can get.
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Mom says: "Alcohol is your enemy." Jesus says: "Love thy enemy." Case closed.
Girls are like phones. We love to be held and talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!
Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches. When you can no longer get the straw in the hole, you've had enough.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
My New Year's resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.
Everyone says money talks. Unfortunately, all mine ever says is "goodbye".
By the time you've learned the rules of life, you are too old to play the game.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
The problem with trouble shooting is that trouble shoots back.